WHO AM I ? - Part 2

Sometimes you wonder, how far can you go until you just can’t take it anymore or until the real you starts to fight back to be at the centre again. You have taken a back seat while everyone else uses your life to run their show. Like seriously, how long will it take for you to wake up and smell the coffee of reality that no one will care about you as much you care about yourself?

I was slowly becoming someone else, I was losing who I was, my confidence, my walk – I was taking everything that came my way, no filter, no reservations. But I knew that something just wasn’t right, if this was the way to success, then I really wanted to take a rain check and detour. 

I remember going into management meetings, literally wondering if I would come out with my pride intact, or if I would be disgraced in the presence of my colleagues about how unskilled I was with drafting “strong” emails or about needing an assertiveness class.  All these broke me, regardless of the fact that I felt I was giving my all, spending unpaid extra hours (I can hear some of you saying, “come on now, who works for free” well I did). I would get in first and was one of the last people to leave. The office was tagged my second home because I was always there.

While all this was going on, I remember feeling like something was missing; I was working hard but was still struggling to maintain my life style and was still losing who I was. I felt like I was being forced to be someone else but I could not put my foot down because without me realizing, I had lost my confidence and was literally moving along like a sheep to the slaughter.  I was not resting, I had no time for myself or even my family…

Then it happened, I started having heart palpitations and would literally wake up in the middle of the night from chest pains from my heart beating faster than its usual rate. I became scared to go to bed at night and for some nights thought that those nights were going to be my last. I would pray that if that night was my last, that God would accept my spirit and I was READY. 

I had several blood tests and cardiac appointments and took days off because I literally could not function. I was hyperventilating and had no appetite for food. This was the price I had to pay to alter who I was, this was the price I had to pay to live a life I was not built for, this was the price I had to pay to please everyone at my expense and God just kept on watching me, not because He could not do anything about the situation, but because He told me 6 months before but I refused to listen. I remember telling Him, what will happen to them, how would they function? I gave all the excuses and stayed put.

So in that state where everything seemed to be shutting down, I cried out to Him, admitted to my disobedience and ever-reoccurring stubbornness. I asked Him to help me, bring me out of this mess and reorder my steps.

I was tired of doing things in my own strength, I was tired of feeling lesser than who He had created me to be. So I said my prayers and left it at the altar. I however did not see the next things that followed coming.

So it was Christmas, about a month after the heart palpitation episode, I started feeling feverish – prior to that, I had no symptoms or health issues aside from the heart palpitations, which had now subsided to an extent. So on Christmas Eve, I was feeling feverish, had slight headaches and just wasn’t feeling entirely great. The first thing that came to mind was flu and I immediately went for the paracetamol. Christmas day was the usual all day cooking, Boxing day came and it was another cooking day but did not end the way I thought it would – I went to bed feverish again but this time, my temperature was really high and although we had the heater on and I was under the duvet, I was still extremely cold. Then I felt nauseous and didn’t think it was going to happen, but it did – I raced to the bathroom and was sick.

It was time to go to the A&E – As soon as we got there, I saw a nurse who after checking me out referred me to a doctor who immediately infused me with IV paracetamol and fluids.

 I was admitted that night and tests were carried out. I remember lying in the hospital ward, staring at the ceiling, wondering how on earth I got myself to this point. I had overdone it this time and everything was screaming at me!

Over the next couple of days, I got diagnosed and treatment started – I began experiencing side effects of the medication – My ears were ringing like a menace had his finger permanently on a chiming door bell. It was excruciatingly annoying, I could not sleep at night, I was cranky all day, my hands were painfully swollen from the continuous IV drips and to top it off, I was admitted in a ward with patients that coughed all through the night. Tears came freely and I could not wait to get better and get out.

So Hadassah sat and could do nothing but think about what she was doing to her body, to her life! All the while, the whole one-week that she was in that horrible place, messages about my admission were sent to management at work, but got no word, no response – Nothing! Then it dawned on me that regardless of anything that happens to me, the company would carry on. God forbid that was my lot – I break my back and all I get is “sorry” or worst case scenario, “she lived a good life,” I laugh now thinking about it!

So I finally heard God loud and clear! It was time to move on, take better care of myself and entrust my future to God completely, knowing that He who has brought me this far, will not give up on me now or let me go. It wasn't an easy decision, it was a necessary decision - Lesson Learnt! 

If like me, you find yourself in situations where you are always saying yes to others and no to you, you need to take a break, sit back and evaluate why you are doing what you are doing, if you have the capacity to keep giving and if there is a balance between the demand and supply. Listen to the warning signs because they will always come (I waited until my health was at risk) and act accordingly before it is too late and remember, 

Life is meant to be lived and not endured! Do things you enjoy, live life to the fullest, be fearless and be free to be you! Do not let anything or anyone alter who you are for anything in this world! Life is too short to be anyone else but yourself! 

So now I am fully recovered (Thank You Jesus!), living and loving my life, trusting Him and obeying before sacrifice! In regards to who I am… I am first of all a Christian and then everything else comes after. 

Who are you?!

Until next time

Hadassah.A xx