WHO AM I? -Part 1

I often get told if there were more people like me in this world, the world might be a slightly better place to be. Now, this is not because I am the nicest, smartest, warmest person in the world, it is more because I can be the most trusting, gullible person you could ever meet! Sometimes, I don’t know how I have made it this far in life, I just never learn…

I have struggled to write this post for a week now as I grasp the reality of life and the uniquely different characters that we encounter on our journeys through life. Please forgive me if I am wrong but I find it very hard to understand why some people deliberately choose to be deceptive and take the unassuming for a fool. Now, I know most people are quick to say “Ah, that’s life, you can’t trust anyone”, “You only know yourself, people are just “people” But does it make it acceptable?….

Until recently, I have tried to be everything but myself, I have had people tell me to change and be “more assertive”, then others have come and said “you are not approachable, be nicer”, while others have said “You are too gullible, you need to be street wise”. I had this day in day out and before I knew it I was living the life that everyone else wanted me to live. I would bend over backwards for people, only to be disappointed by the same people that promised to always be by your side.

So I had a wake up call…

It was almost like God had just been watching me over the past couple of years, waiting for me to start living and not just existing! It was the last straw that broke the camel’s back

and God had had enough of people taking His child for granted, giving her less than she deserves, taking advantage of her and her oh so naïve nature. He was ready to take it all back, re-direct the script and take the wheel.

For those who don't know me, Hadassah is the “go the extra mile” type of person, who will do almost anything for the people she loves and cares about. Unfortunately, 70% of those people (as she would later find out) are only there for what they can get from her and are oh so unashamedly there to exploit her innocence.

So God leads her into the lion’s cave to learn the hard way and come out refined… I had the opportunity to work at a place I thought was perfect –

People who I thought were “Christians”, who had an appreciation for people and wanted the progress of their employees. I thought I was in heaven and nothing could go wrong. Like seriously, you can’t trade being around people that share your passion and love for God, you just cannot get that on this side of the world where everyone is fast losing their faith for money.

I just wanted to serve, I loved God and people and really just wanted to help, not even considering whether I was getting paid enough or not – Money was secondary to me but I was later going to find out that no matter how Christian you may be, you have to demand for what you know you are worth and not what they are willing to give you because people will most times see how far they can push your "stupid" button.

So fast forward to the first couple of months of starting at this new job, Hadassah was breaking her back, doing long hours, not eating properly, not taking care of herself, stressing about doing everything right and being the best she could be. Six months down the line, she had gone from a full size 8 to a skinny size 6. Her clothes were hanging off her like on a hanger.

The funny thing was that although she was being “promoted”, it was all in the title, no contracts were signed, monetary value was not discussed - she was just “slaving” away.

Then it happened, her body started talking back “You have to take things easy”, “I cannot swallow food because there’s too much acid in your belly from lack of food”. I ended up at the hospital, taking blood tests, trying to figure out what exactly was wrong, I could feel a lump in my throat every time I tried to swallow and was getting worried that it was something serious. Test results came out, I had acid reflux from not eating properly and so my body was producing more acid to break down the food than I was taking in. I was now on medication but my life style was pretty much the same.

Then there was a reshuffling, I was again “promoted” and was in a completely different department, but this time, I was managing a whole department by myself, with no assistant, building up the department from nothing and taking on 50% more responsibility than before. Mehn!! It’s so funny thinking about it now. Got complimentary cards printed, was even respected by my colleagues and so you would think Hadassah was reeling in the money- Very far from it! In fact she was slightly better off not working than working.

 

Even friends assumed I was living the life, working closely with the managers and so getting some perks – How far were they from reality.

While all of this was going on, I was surprisingly content, I believed without a doubt that these people were looking out for me and would give me what I rightfully deserved. In my mind they were mentoring me to be a better “business minded person” in my relation to clients and people. Nobody told me that on my journey to the top, you would have to take off your "Christian" hat (Which as far as I am concerned, is who I am) and put on the “not-so Christian” hat – I did not realise that just because I want to be successful, I have to tell white lies, I have to be mean and ruthless in my dealings with clients for the sake of the business (It was called being "assertive" or "growing some teeth"), I had to be street wise and conscience dead just because I wanted to get to the top! I became a different version of Hadassah and carried on as usual but did not see the repercussion of the life I had accepted. Hadassah’s light was fast diminishing… Who am I? What are my values? What do I stand for?

 Until next time

Hadassah.A xx