WHO AM I ? - Part 2

Sometimes you wonder, how far can you go until you just can’t take it anymore or until the real you starts to fight back to be at the centre again. You have taken a back seat while everyone else uses your life to run their show. Like seriously, how long will it take for you to wake up and smell the coffee of reality that no one will care about you as much you care about yourself?

I was slowly becoming someone else, I was losing who I was, my confidence, my walk – I was taking everything that came my way, no filter, no reservations. But I knew that something just wasn’t right, if this was the way to success, then I really wanted to take a rain check and detour. 

I remember going into management meetings, literally wondering if I would come out with my pride intact, or if I would be disgraced in the presence of my colleagues about how unskilled I was with drafting “strong” emails or about needing an assertiveness class.  All these broke me, regardless of the fact that I felt I was giving my all, spending unpaid extra hours (I can hear some of you saying, “come on now, who works for free” well I did). I would get in first and was one of the last people to leave. The office was tagged my second home because I was always there.

While all this was going on, I remember feeling like something was missing; I was working hard but was still struggling to maintain my life style and was still losing who I was. I felt like I was being forced to be someone else but I could not put my foot down because without me realizing, I had lost my confidence and was literally moving along like a sheep to the slaughter.  I was not resting, I had no time for myself or even my family…

Then it happened, I started having heart palpitations and would literally wake up in the middle of the night from chest pains from my heart beating faster than its usual rate. I became scared to go to bed at night and for some nights thought that those nights were going to be my last. I would pray that if that night was my last, that God would accept my spirit and I was READY. 

I had several blood tests and cardiac appointments and took days off because I literally could not function. I was hyperventilating and had no appetite for food. This was the price I had to pay to alter who I was, this was the price I had to pay to live a life I was not built for, this was the price I had to pay to please everyone at my expense and God just kept on watching me, not because He could not do anything about the situation, but because He told me 6 months before but I refused to listen. I remember telling Him, what will happen to them, how would they function? I gave all the excuses and stayed put.

So in that state where everything seemed to be shutting down, I cried out to Him, admitted to my disobedience and ever-reoccurring stubbornness. I asked Him to help me, bring me out of this mess and reorder my steps.

I was tired of doing things in my own strength, I was tired of feeling lesser than who He had created me to be. So I said my prayers and left it at the altar. I however did not see the next things that followed coming.

So it was Christmas, about a month after the heart palpitation episode, I started feeling feverish – prior to that, I had no symptoms or health issues aside from the heart palpitations, which had now subsided to an extent. So on Christmas Eve, I was feeling feverish, had slight headaches and just wasn’t feeling entirely great. The first thing that came to mind was flu and I immediately went for the paracetamol. Christmas day was the usual all day cooking, Boxing day came and it was another cooking day but did not end the way I thought it would – I went to bed feverish again but this time, my temperature was really high and although we had the heater on and I was under the duvet, I was still extremely cold. Then I felt nauseous and didn’t think it was going to happen, but it did – I raced to the bathroom and was sick.

It was time to go to the A&E – As soon as we got there, I saw a nurse who after checking me out referred me to a doctor who immediately infused me with IV paracetamol and fluids.

 I was admitted that night and tests were carried out. I remember lying in the hospital ward, staring at the ceiling, wondering how on earth I got myself to this point. I had overdone it this time and everything was screaming at me!

Over the next couple of days, I got diagnosed and treatment started – I began experiencing side effects of the medication – My ears were ringing like a menace had his finger permanently on a chiming door bell. It was excruciatingly annoying, I could not sleep at night, I was cranky all day, my hands were painfully swollen from the continuous IV drips and to top it off, I was admitted in a ward with patients that coughed all through the night. Tears came freely and I could not wait to get better and get out.

So Hadassah sat and could do nothing but think about what she was doing to her body, to her life! All the while, the whole one-week that she was in that horrible place, messages about my admission were sent to management at work, but got no word, no response – Nothing! Then it dawned on me that regardless of anything that happens to me, the company would carry on. God forbid that was my lot – I break my back and all I get is “sorry” or worst case scenario, “she lived a good life,” I laugh now thinking about it!

So I finally heard God loud and clear! It was time to move on, take better care of myself and entrust my future to God completely, knowing that He who has brought me this far, will not give up on me now or let me go. It wasn't an easy decision, it was a necessary decision - Lesson Learnt! 

If like me, you find yourself in situations where you are always saying yes to others and no to you, you need to take a break, sit back and evaluate why you are doing what you are doing, if you have the capacity to keep giving and if there is a balance between the demand and supply. Listen to the warning signs because they will always come (I waited until my health was at risk) and act accordingly before it is too late and remember, 

Life is meant to be lived and not endured! Do things you enjoy, live life to the fullest, be fearless and be free to be you! Do not let anything or anyone alter who you are for anything in this world! Life is too short to be anyone else but yourself! 

So now I am fully recovered (Thank You Jesus!), living and loving my life, trusting Him and obeying before sacrifice! In regards to who I am… I am first of all a Christian and then everything else comes after. 

Who are you?!

Until next time

Hadassah.A xx    

WHO AM I? -Part 1

I often get told if there were more people like me in this world, the world might be a slightly better place to be. Now, this is not because I am the nicest, smartest, warmest person in the world, it is more because I can be the most trusting, gullible person you could ever meet! Sometimes, I don’t know how I have made it this far in life, I just never learn…

I have struggled to write this post for a week now as I grasp the reality of life and the uniquely different characters that we encounter on our journeys through life. Please forgive me if I am wrong but I find it very hard to understand why some people deliberately choose to be deceptive and take the unassuming for a fool. Now, I know most people are quick to say “Ah, that’s life, you can’t trust anyone”, “You only know yourself, people are just “people” But does it make it acceptable?….

Until recently, I have tried to be everything but myself, I have had people tell me to change and be “more assertive”, then others have come and said “you are not approachable, be nicer”, while others have said “You are too gullible, you need to be street wise”. I had this day in day out and before I knew it I was living the life that everyone else wanted me to live. I would bend over backwards for people, only to be disappointed by the same people that promised to always be by your side.

So I had a wake up call…

It was almost like God had just been watching me over the past couple of years, waiting for me to start living and not just existing! It was the last straw that broke the camel’s back

and God had had enough of people taking His child for granted, giving her less than she deserves, taking advantage of her and her oh so naïve nature. He was ready to take it all back, re-direct the script and take the wheel.

For those who don't know me, Hadassah is the “go the extra mile” type of person, who will do almost anything for the people she loves and cares about. Unfortunately, 70% of those people (as she would later find out) are only there for what they can get from her and are oh so unashamedly there to exploit her innocence.

So God leads her into the lion’s cave to learn the hard way and come out refined… I had the opportunity to work at a place I thought was perfect –

People who I thought were “Christians”, who had an appreciation for people and wanted the progress of their employees. I thought I was in heaven and nothing could go wrong. Like seriously, you can’t trade being around people that share your passion and love for God, you just cannot get that on this side of the world where everyone is fast losing their faith for money.

I just wanted to serve, I loved God and people and really just wanted to help, not even considering whether I was getting paid enough or not – Money was secondary to me but I was later going to find out that no matter how Christian you may be, you have to demand for what you know you are worth and not what they are willing to give you because people will most times see how far they can push your "stupid" button.

So fast forward to the first couple of months of starting at this new job, Hadassah was breaking her back, doing long hours, not eating properly, not taking care of herself, stressing about doing everything right and being the best she could be. Six months down the line, she had gone from a full size 8 to a skinny size 6. Her clothes were hanging off her like on a hanger.

The funny thing was that although she was being “promoted”, it was all in the title, no contracts were signed, monetary value was not discussed - she was just “slaving” away.

Then it happened, her body started talking back “You have to take things easy”, “I cannot swallow food because there’s too much acid in your belly from lack of food”. I ended up at the hospital, taking blood tests, trying to figure out what exactly was wrong, I could feel a lump in my throat every time I tried to swallow and was getting worried that it was something serious. Test results came out, I had acid reflux from not eating properly and so my body was producing more acid to break down the food than I was taking in. I was now on medication but my life style was pretty much the same.

Then there was a reshuffling, I was again “promoted” and was in a completely different department, but this time, I was managing a whole department by myself, with no assistant, building up the department from nothing and taking on 50% more responsibility than before. Mehn!! It’s so funny thinking about it now. Got complimentary cards printed, was even respected by my colleagues and so you would think Hadassah was reeling in the money- Very far from it! In fact she was slightly better off not working than working.

 

Even friends assumed I was living the life, working closely with the managers and so getting some perks – How far were they from reality.

While all of this was going on, I was surprisingly content, I believed without a doubt that these people were looking out for me and would give me what I rightfully deserved. In my mind they were mentoring me to be a better “business minded person” in my relation to clients and people. Nobody told me that on my journey to the top, you would have to take off your "Christian" hat (Which as far as I am concerned, is who I am) and put on the “not-so Christian” hat – I did not realise that just because I want to be successful, I have to tell white lies, I have to be mean and ruthless in my dealings with clients for the sake of the business (It was called being "assertive" or "growing some teeth"), I had to be street wise and conscience dead just because I wanted to get to the top! I became a different version of Hadassah and carried on as usual but did not see the repercussion of the life I had accepted. Hadassah’s light was fast diminishing… Who am I? What are my values? What do I stand for?

 Until next time

Hadassah.A xx  

THERE'S A THIN LINE BETWEEN SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS AND FAITH - PART 2

…I wake up not feeling the Holy Spirit around me or the excitement that I had grown so familiar with. It became a chore to get out of bed – I would wake up and just lay there! 

No hope, no joy, nothing! It was quiet; I was emotionally and physically weak and empty!! I felt like I was being mocked… “Open your mouth and start declaring now”, “You think you have arrived”, I thought you were dancing MC Hammer” …

Then I did what I knew best to do, went on my knees and instead of praying, I gave in to crying!! (As most of us would)… I knelt down, cried and thought about everything that I knew was going wrong in my life. (As you can imagine it wasn’t a pretty sight).

It is amazing how the human mind can work out so many emotions in a matter of seconds or minutes, depending on how deep the emotions run… Now, let me tell you something about Hadassah… she can cry for Africa!!

 I am working on it – I have recently come to realise that my tears really do not change anything, they only make me feel sorry for myself and make me feel even worse… I digress (Topic for another day!).

So I’m crying and displaying all kinds of facial expressions that I knew I could only do in the privacy of where I was, knowing that God could see me. Then I heard “Start singing, start thanking God”… You know when someone stops you mid-crying and you look at them like they have horns growing on their head.

Bottom line, I did not feel like singing, but a song came from nowhere, so I started singing;

“Yes You are The Lord

Most High

Yes You are The Lord

Most High” (I will probably upload a video of this song someday)

I sang this so many times until other songs kept coming and I was in full worship! The tears had stopped at this point and I could hear my voice smiling back at me – I was completely broken!  

Then it dawned on me – I thought my lips were the tool to the answered prayers, I thought it was all it took to get what I wanted – Speak the word and see it happen, forgetting that it is The God of The Word that makes it happen! He is not my errand boy, He is not a Genie, He is not my “Yes Madam”.

He is The King of kings, The Lord of lords, The Righteous one!

My self-righteousness or very vain words with plenty, plenty grammar amidst pitiful tears would not cut it.

Then I realised that the joy left me because I placed all my focus on the blessing than The “Blesser”(Not a word, but you get my drift). I was wishing my heart’s desires to come true so bad that it became a god in my heart without me realising (You shall serve no other god beside The Lord your God! Exodus 20:3)

He broke me – It is not by my power, it is not by your might, it is by The Spirit of The Lord who was sent to you after Christ descended and ascended to His throne.

We sometimes get so comfortable when God begins to bless us with one small thing that we begin to focus on it, magnify it and minimize The Giver.

So this was me being scolded and reprimanded by The Holy Spirit – Warning me that there is indeed a very thin line between Self-righteousness and Faith. Let your joy remain in Him regardless of what He blesses you with. You have the tendency to depend on yourself rather than God and the lines are easily crossed.

Lesson learnt, hard pill to swallow…

“He is still God – Don’t take your eyes off Him. He still has the best for you! While you wait, trust Him and don’t let go – It is not over, you are still on your way…. “

Hadassah.A

Definitions

*Self-righteousness:

1. Smugly or unduly sure of one's own righteousness.

2. Exhibiting smug or unwarranted confidence in one's own righteousness

THERE'S A THIN LINE BETWEEN SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS AND FAITH - PART 1

Happy New Month! I pray this month births awesome memories and experiences that will propel us to our next level.

THERE’S A THIN LINE BETWEEN SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS AND FAITH –Part 1

It hit me like a gust of wind….

I stood up from my position of worship and prayer with the realisation of what true faith is. I have heard preachers, great men and women of God tell me what it is to have faith.   

I have heard and I am tired of hearing the different interpretations of the very popular verse on faith - Hebrews 11:1... I am tired of hearing “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen....”  You begin to wonder so if God knows what I want even before I say it, why do I need to ask or have faith? And then the cherry on the cake - you have the story of the father of faith, which has become a story that I can repeat without the help of the Bible. Father Abraham was a man of great faith, He waited on God for so many years and still believed that he would have a son, even after himself and his wife had passed childbearing age.

Mehn!!! I still have my questions for when I meet him in Heaven. 

But I must confess, I find His story very fascinating and hope that my faith with the help of the Holy Spirit will attract the same fascination that it draws. To be honest, I think it is God’s desire for us to get to a level of faith that defiles all human logic- 

But unfortunately we have so many things, baggage, voices, people and emotions that hinder us or slow down the process of getting to that level. 

I realised one of these many roadblocks today and had to fight my way out with the help of the Holy Spirit while learning first hand what "Faith" is….

So I find myself in THE position when nothing else seems to be working “my way” where I know I can reach God.

…. But let’s rewind to the moment before I found myself in this position.

I have been spending a lot of time with God and the Holy Spirit, praying more frequently than usual, worshipping more, reading my Bible more and gaining deep understanding of The Word. I could feel myself growing in confidence, in The Word, in God and in Faith. I was always excited and knew that it was the joy of The Lord. I had so many things going south  

in my life but I just had this unspeakable joy and knew it was the Holy Spirit. Then soon after, I started declaring things, praying for people and seeing these declarations and prayers happen/answered before my very eyes. I was so happy and excited 

that indeed God was true and was answering my prayers in just the way that I asked. This built my faith and I carried on making more declarations, claimed my benefits in Christ and prayed for people believing that it was going to happen.

I would only have to pray and forget about it because I knew it was done. I was marveling in this new found faith and was almost doing the MC Hammer dance.  

It was almost like God sat on His throne and was looking at me with amusement in His eyes at how “good” I thought I was doing…

So on this particular occasion, I prayed about a need and was waiting for specific answers to the prayer. Things that looked like the answer came and I knew straight away that it wasn’t “it”. Even though everyone around me kept saying “why not try this, what about this one?” I knew that there had to be more! I knew that God had the best!

Then finally, I thought the best had come, it was all we wanted and then some, but something was fighting my faith and ability to accept it. 

I went away praying and trusting God. Then it happened… I started declaring that was what I WANTED. I kept dreaming about it, I was almost coveting it and was beginning to lose sleep over it. I would spend hours praying about it – Not because that was what God wanted, but what I wanted and I thought all I had to do was declare it mine like I had done in the past and more or less exercise my faith… Professing what is not as though it was.

A day, two days, three days passed and no confirmation of what I wanted but instead I could feel my faith waning and my trust was fast becoming a myth!....

….To be continued…

Hadassah.A