THINK ON THESE THINGS...

It seems like I never have the right “inspirational” post to upload – I have had posts upon posts, written half way but never got to complete them because it was either I got stuck or I did not feel like I had the right words to say – “I am not sure if this post would make sense to anyone, I am not sure I would be helping as many people as I want to. I am not sure it would ever get read, I'm just not feeling it!” So because of that uncertainty, that “fear” of not meeting up to the expectations of what i think people want, I have not posted in over 2 months! Your mind and fears have a way of stopping you from reaching your potential. If you are anything like me, then you can analyse from now till thy kingdom come. You can see all the imperfections in a situation and possibly kill that thing before it even gets a chance at getting better.

I have been in this headspace for a while – Recovering from past experiences that bent me in such a way that I would rather point out a fault even in myself, thinking that it would not hurt when someone else mentions it! How wrong was I, it didn’t make it any better. I only caved back in and started running away from who I knew I was into someone that I could not recognize. Oh yes I prayed, sought after Him hoping that I would in return find myself again. Then I realised that the Word can only take root if I truly let go of my fears, insecurities and pain. I desperately wanted to start walking in the shoes He made especially for me. 

"Until you start walking in purpose, you can never truly know complete happiness".

So I started the battle with self – My mind, my body, my heart and my soul! I had to just let go – If you have been “through”, if you have been hurt, neglected, ridiculed, insulted and you think you want to go far in life with all those baggage, let me tell you now for free – You are wasting your time. Holding on to those things, those hurtful words, replaying those hurtful, ugly scenes in your head, repeating all those negative pronouncements, facial expressions and side remarks would only hold you back. You can never use a broken, charred brick to build a house. It will eventually crumble. It is the exact same way you cannot expect to touch lives or make a difference if your heart is filled with everything negative- It could be a negative mind set about yourself which would eventually be transferred to other people, sometimes when you least expect it to come out. I can’t help but mention this verse from the Bible in “Proverbs 23:7a – As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” Whatever you have in your heart will come out when you are not so guarded and before you know it, you will begin to believe those words, that opinion that somebody has about you, that rejection, that hurt would soon become all you know and then there would be nothing more to give than your hurt! Until you start to love again and when I say love, I mean it in every sense of it – Love yourself, love people (no matter how much they have hurt you in the past) and most importantly, love God, you will never see past your hurt and see the pain that someone else may be going through and in the process maybe make an impact.

I realised that as much as God loves me, it is not about me – The sooner I began to see that anything that was not of good report,

anything that had no life and no love, had no place in my heart, the sooner I started to see the bigger picture. The sooner I started to see God in everything, the sooner I started seeing myself the way God sees me; not just as a physically beautiful being, but as a mentally and emotionally beautiful being. When you start to see God as the One you owe everything to, when you start to see people through His eyes, when your heart starts to ache for the same things that He longs for, then my friend – You are beginning to walk in purpose!

Never let anyone bring you down with their negative words and dispositions. That is all they know and sadly that is all they can give. Life has a way of rubbing people the wrong way and reshaping them into who they were never meant to be, but your simple act of love could just be the only tool God needs to redirect that life back to how it was originally created to be!

Start walking in purpose - somebody needs you!

 Until next time

Hadassah xx

THOSE WHO WAIT...

There is a saying that “good things come to those who wait”, but watch this, I have something even better….Those who wait and trust in God will ALWAYS get the best.

For those of you that read my previous post on “There’s a thin line between self-righteousness and faith”, you might understand this post better. To catch up, you can read it here.

So, I went MIA for a couple of weeks (apologies) because God surprised me beyond what my self-righteousness thought it deserved. From my previous post, I mentioned how I just could not understand why I wasn’t getting what I asked for, what I declared and proclaimed was mine and what I wanted. I did all I knew to do but it was almost like God was saying, “not this one my child”. I just couldn’t imagine what exactly was wrong with it. For the curious minds, “It” can be anything you want or desire to have in this life.

 I had imagined “It” in so many different forms that it was difficult for me to comprehend what God was saying.

So what do you do when there seems to be an obvious roadblock? I stopped, prayed and waited. I knew it was beyond me and for some reason, God had a hand in this one and I was going to wait for the outcome. So a month went by and my family and I were under a lot of pressure to find “It”. We searched and waited but nothing seemed to catch our attention. Then it happened at the last minute, when we just could not even be bothered anymore, “It” happened!

We saw, we liked and we did what was necessary to make it official, but once again there were roadblocks. But this time, it wasn’t God induced, it was more like it was for us, but something was challenging it. So I knew what to do this time. I brought all my ammunitions and went straight to war.

Who is he that speaks when God has not spoken, who is He that is contending with the child of the Most High, who is he that thinks it is sitting on a throne, I will demote you because I have seen you fall down from heaven like lightening and so you have lost this one! 

I knew it was already done, we only needed to walk through the process. With that, I ignored all the many distractions that came in the form of delays, inconsistencies, doubts and confusion. I just knew.

So eventually, through the entire storm that raged,

the stillness that we feel now is overwhelming and daily I see why God put a roadblock in the beginning and forced us to wait. He had something so much better that just leaves us in awe of His goodness.

I know I am speaking in parables and some of you are itching to find out what exactly I’m talking about. I am withholding this so that you can apply this to any situation in your life that seems to be challenging and know for sure that as long as you have God on your side, He ALWAYS has the best for you, no matter how long it takes, He is fighting for what is best for you!

He knows what you want and need and will combine these two expectations into mind-blowing results that you will never be able to comprehend.

So I say, “Best things come to those who wait and trust in The Lord”.

Until next time

Hadassah.A xx

WHO AM I ? - Part 2

Sometimes you wonder, how far can you go until you just can’t take it anymore or until the real you starts to fight back to be at the centre again. You have taken a back seat while everyone else uses your life to run their show. Like seriously, how long will it take for you to wake up and smell the coffee of reality that no one will care about you as much you care about yourself?

I was slowly becoming someone else, I was losing who I was, my confidence, my walk – I was taking everything that came my way, no filter, no reservations. But I knew that something just wasn’t right, if this was the way to success, then I really wanted to take a rain check and detour. 

I remember going into management meetings, literally wondering if I would come out with my pride intact, or if I would be disgraced in the presence of my colleagues about how unskilled I was with drafting “strong” emails or about needing an assertiveness class.  All these broke me, regardless of the fact that I felt I was giving my all, spending unpaid extra hours (I can hear some of you saying, “come on now, who works for free” well I did). I would get in first and was one of the last people to leave. The office was tagged my second home because I was always there.

While all this was going on, I remember feeling like something was missing; I was working hard but was still struggling to maintain my life style and was still losing who I was. I felt like I was being forced to be someone else but I could not put my foot down because without me realizing, I had lost my confidence and was literally moving along like a sheep to the slaughter.  I was not resting, I had no time for myself or even my family…

Then it happened, I started having heart palpitations and would literally wake up in the middle of the night from chest pains from my heart beating faster than its usual rate. I became scared to go to bed at night and for some nights thought that those nights were going to be my last. I would pray that if that night was my last, that God would accept my spirit and I was READY. 

I had several blood tests and cardiac appointments and took days off because I literally could not function. I was hyperventilating and had no appetite for food. This was the price I had to pay to alter who I was, this was the price I had to pay to live a life I was not built for, this was the price I had to pay to please everyone at my expense and God just kept on watching me, not because He could not do anything about the situation, but because He told me 6 months before but I refused to listen. I remember telling Him, what will happen to them, how would they function? I gave all the excuses and stayed put.

So in that state where everything seemed to be shutting down, I cried out to Him, admitted to my disobedience and ever-reoccurring stubbornness. I asked Him to help me, bring me out of this mess and reorder my steps.

I was tired of doing things in my own strength, I was tired of feeling lesser than who He had created me to be. So I said my prayers and left it at the altar. I however did not see the next things that followed coming.

So it was Christmas, about a month after the heart palpitation episode, I started feeling feverish – prior to that, I had no symptoms or health issues aside from the heart palpitations, which had now subsided to an extent. So on Christmas Eve, I was feeling feverish, had slight headaches and just wasn’t feeling entirely great. The first thing that came to mind was flu and I immediately went for the paracetamol. Christmas day was the usual all day cooking, Boxing day came and it was another cooking day but did not end the way I thought it would – I went to bed feverish again but this time, my temperature was really high and although we had the heater on and I was under the duvet, I was still extremely cold. Then I felt nauseous and didn’t think it was going to happen, but it did – I raced to the bathroom and was sick.

It was time to go to the A&E – As soon as we got there, I saw a nurse who after checking me out referred me to a doctor who immediately infused me with IV paracetamol and fluids.

 I was admitted that night and tests were carried out. I remember lying in the hospital ward, staring at the ceiling, wondering how on earth I got myself to this point. I had overdone it this time and everything was screaming at me!

Over the next couple of days, I got diagnosed and treatment started – I began experiencing side effects of the medication – My ears were ringing like a menace had his finger permanently on a chiming door bell. It was excruciatingly annoying, I could not sleep at night, I was cranky all day, my hands were painfully swollen from the continuous IV drips and to top it off, I was admitted in a ward with patients that coughed all through the night. Tears came freely and I could not wait to get better and get out.

So Hadassah sat and could do nothing but think about what she was doing to her body, to her life! All the while, the whole one-week that she was in that horrible place, messages about my admission were sent to management at work, but got no word, no response – Nothing! Then it dawned on me that regardless of anything that happens to me, the company would carry on. God forbid that was my lot – I break my back and all I get is “sorry” or worst case scenario, “she lived a good life,” I laugh now thinking about it!

So I finally heard God loud and clear! It was time to move on, take better care of myself and entrust my future to God completely, knowing that He who has brought me this far, will not give up on me now or let me go. It wasn't an easy decision, it was a necessary decision - Lesson Learnt! 

If like me, you find yourself in situations where you are always saying yes to others and no to you, you need to take a break, sit back and evaluate why you are doing what you are doing, if you have the capacity to keep giving and if there is a balance between the demand and supply. Listen to the warning signs because they will always come (I waited until my health was at risk) and act accordingly before it is too late and remember, 

Life is meant to be lived and not endured! Do things you enjoy, live life to the fullest, be fearless and be free to be you! Do not let anything or anyone alter who you are for anything in this world! Life is too short to be anyone else but yourself! 

So now I am fully recovered (Thank You Jesus!), living and loving my life, trusting Him and obeying before sacrifice! In regards to who I am… I am first of all a Christian and then everything else comes after. 

Who are you?!

Until next time

Hadassah.A xx    

WHO AM I? -Part 1

I often get told if there were more people like me in this world, the world might be a slightly better place to be. Now, this is not because I am the nicest, smartest, warmest person in the world, it is more because I can be the most trusting, gullible person you could ever meet! Sometimes, I don’t know how I have made it this far in life, I just never learn…

I have struggled to write this post for a week now as I grasp the reality of life and the uniquely different characters that we encounter on our journeys through life. Please forgive me if I am wrong but I find it very hard to understand why some people deliberately choose to be deceptive and take the unassuming for a fool. Now, I know most people are quick to say “Ah, that’s life, you can’t trust anyone”, “You only know yourself, people are just “people” But does it make it acceptable?….

Until recently, I have tried to be everything but myself, I have had people tell me to change and be “more assertive”, then others have come and said “you are not approachable, be nicer”, while others have said “You are too gullible, you need to be street wise”. I had this day in day out and before I knew it I was living the life that everyone else wanted me to live. I would bend over backwards for people, only to be disappointed by the same people that promised to always be by your side.

So I had a wake up call…

It was almost like God had just been watching me over the past couple of years, waiting for me to start living and not just existing! It was the last straw that broke the camel’s back

and God had had enough of people taking His child for granted, giving her less than she deserves, taking advantage of her and her oh so naïve nature. He was ready to take it all back, re-direct the script and take the wheel.

For those who don't know me, Hadassah is the “go the extra mile” type of person, who will do almost anything for the people she loves and cares about. Unfortunately, 70% of those people (as she would later find out) are only there for what they can get from her and are oh so unashamedly there to exploit her innocence.

So God leads her into the lion’s cave to learn the hard way and come out refined… I had the opportunity to work at a place I thought was perfect –

People who I thought were “Christians”, who had an appreciation for people and wanted the progress of their employees. I thought I was in heaven and nothing could go wrong. Like seriously, you can’t trade being around people that share your passion and love for God, you just cannot get that on this side of the world where everyone is fast losing their faith for money.

I just wanted to serve, I loved God and people and really just wanted to help, not even considering whether I was getting paid enough or not – Money was secondary to me but I was later going to find out that no matter how Christian you may be, you have to demand for what you know you are worth and not what they are willing to give you because people will most times see how far they can push your "stupid" button.

So fast forward to the first couple of months of starting at this new job, Hadassah was breaking her back, doing long hours, not eating properly, not taking care of herself, stressing about doing everything right and being the best she could be. Six months down the line, she had gone from a full size 8 to a skinny size 6. Her clothes were hanging off her like on a hanger.

The funny thing was that although she was being “promoted”, it was all in the title, no contracts were signed, monetary value was not discussed - she was just “slaving” away.

Then it happened, her body started talking back “You have to take things easy”, “I cannot swallow food because there’s too much acid in your belly from lack of food”. I ended up at the hospital, taking blood tests, trying to figure out what exactly was wrong, I could feel a lump in my throat every time I tried to swallow and was getting worried that it was something serious. Test results came out, I had acid reflux from not eating properly and so my body was producing more acid to break down the food than I was taking in. I was now on medication but my life style was pretty much the same.

Then there was a reshuffling, I was again “promoted” and was in a completely different department, but this time, I was managing a whole department by myself, with no assistant, building up the department from nothing and taking on 50% more responsibility than before. Mehn!! It’s so funny thinking about it now. Got complimentary cards printed, was even respected by my colleagues and so you would think Hadassah was reeling in the money- Very far from it! In fact she was slightly better off not working than working.

 

Even friends assumed I was living the life, working closely with the managers and so getting some perks – How far were they from reality.

While all of this was going on, I was surprisingly content, I believed without a doubt that these people were looking out for me and would give me what I rightfully deserved. In my mind they were mentoring me to be a better “business minded person” in my relation to clients and people. Nobody told me that on my journey to the top, you would have to take off your "Christian" hat (Which as far as I am concerned, is who I am) and put on the “not-so Christian” hat – I did not realise that just because I want to be successful, I have to tell white lies, I have to be mean and ruthless in my dealings with clients for the sake of the business (It was called being "assertive" or "growing some teeth"), I had to be street wise and conscience dead just because I wanted to get to the top! I became a different version of Hadassah and carried on as usual but did not see the repercussion of the life I had accepted. Hadassah’s light was fast diminishing… Who am I? What are my values? What do I stand for?

 Until next time

Hadassah.A xx